What’s trending up and down in the sports world and the regular world?

Trending Down: Michael Vick

ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio filed this interesting article last week about Michael Vick’s lack of production so far this season. From the article:

“Once advertised by Reid as an explosive addition to the offense, Vick has all but disappeared from the Eagles’ game plan. Consider: In Sunday’s embarrassing upset loss at Oakland, in which the Eagles could not solve the Raiders’ blitz, Reid had no plan to use Vick even as an antidote.”

So if the Eagles really aren’t utilizing Vick as a change-of-pace guy and have no plans to do so, why bring him on board to begin with? Did they get him as insurance against a McNabb injury? Clearly not. When McNabb went down in the week 1 drubbing of Carolina, the Birds picked up Jeff Garcia, and subsequently started Kevin Kolb. Why take a chance on an out and out pariah that’s done hard time for running a puppy Guantanamo Bay in his back yard?

The logical conclusion: I believe that Michael Vick has something on Eagles owner Jeff Laurie. What’s your angle, Vick? What do ya got on the guy? A 2 year deal with $1.6 million guaranteed and a second year option worth 5.2 million? You must really have the goods on him.

My guess is that Jeff Laurie is a cross-dresser. So, when the photos eventually come out of Laurie wearing pumps and a garter belt, remember who called it. You heard it here first.

Trending Up: Kickers with Balls

Three seconds left in regulation. Your team is down by 1 on the road against a tough division rival. Your team’s coach calls for a 47 yard field goal attempt to win the game. The kicker lines up. The ball is snapped, caught, and held in place. The kicker, well, kicks and nails it; splits the uprights for the game winner!

Or, in other words, the kicker did his job.

Kickers have always been viewed as outsiders, by both fans and even their own teammates. Do they deserve to be marginalized like this?

Short answer: Yes.

A given NFL team’s roster is predominantly made up of lightning quick, super-strong man monsters who beat the Christ out of each other the duration of a season. These freaks of nature put their well-being on the line with every snap of the ball. Kickers, on the other hand, are only responsible for, as the job title would imply, kicking. That’s it. While the real players do the real job of grinding it out in the trenches, the kicker needs only to keep his hammies loose in case he needs to do his thing.

To me, this odd juxtaposition of extreme effort and relative laziness makes kickers not only outsiders, but some of the worst kind of people imaginable.

They’re vultures. They’re human garbage.

Kickers are the scum of the earth; motherless turds who weren’t even born, but likely congened in a sewer or gutter somewhere. These sleazy, spineless walking abortions in their odd single bar helmets are nothing more than shifty mouth breathers that would take you for everything you’re worth if given the opportunity, or if they had the mental capacity and wherewithal to pull off anything requiring more brain power than it does to kick a ball. These beady eyed pencil necks are asked by their clubs to do only two things: kick the football when called upon, and, secondarily, to stay the hell away from the rest of the real players and their families. They make me sick.

That’s why I was so surprised to hear about Pittsburgh Steelers kicker Jeff Reed this past week. Reed was cited for simple assault, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and public drunkenness after allegedly scuffling with police officers outside a bar near Heinz Field.

Getting drunk, standing up for yourself, and mixing it up with the 5-0?

Jeff Reed, you are my kind of guy. So, for those of you keeping score at home, this brings the amount of kickers with a set of cojones to a grand total of 1.

Trending Down: Breast Cancer Unawareness

The NFL has done a great job of supporting the fight against the big BC with their Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I’ve never been so aware! The NFL, as well as individual teams, have donated a ton of money, time, and effort to this great cause. Even the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are doing their part by playing a charity game against a group of breast cancer survivors with all proceeds going to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure organization. Vegas is spotting the Bucs 7 ½ points in the exhibition match up as of press time. Should be a good one.

Trending Up: Breast Awareness

Not that they need any additional promotion per se, but do yourself a favor and check out Susan Sarandon’s daughter, Eva Amurri, playing an exotic dancer on Showtime’s Emmy award-winning original series, Californication. Watch episodes 2 and 3 of the current season and try and tell me that Amurri doesn’t do more for breasts, than the entire NFL in pink cleats does for breast cancer awareness. And you can leave your ‘thank yous’ in the ‘comment’ section below.

Trending Up: Dick Jokes and Muscular Children

Every year in early September, bands of drifters and gypsies blow into towns across America. Each respectively signs a temporary lease with a building that used to be occupied by a Circuit City or Linens ‘N Things, and, almost overnight, sets up one of those seasonal Halloween Mega-Stores. You know the kind I mean; the stores with entire aisles exclusively dedicated to spirit gum and faux sideburns.

With Halloween right around the corner, I stopped at my local gypsy Mega-Store recently and was surprised by a lot of its inventory. In particular, I was taken aback by the sheer volume of novelty costumes geared towards male genitalia. There was an entire corner of the store dedicated to any and every half baked pun relating to the penis or testes that one could imagine. There was a genie costume with a magic lamp strapped to the crotch with the instructions “RUB ME!” printed on the side, a prisoner’s jumpsuit with a Vicente Shiancoe-sized pants tent labeled “Department of Erections”, and of course the ubiquitous alcohol Breathalyzer costume with the “cleverly” placed words “BLOW HERE!”…and literally dozens more just like this.

Now, I am not above blue humor (see: entire article), but I think, if you are going to a Halloween party, you can do a little better than that. Have some creativity for crying out loud. Anything is more creative than buying a mass produced cookie cutter dick joke pun outfit. So, if you have already bought one of these costumes, FYI: you are not the master comedian you think you are. You are a douche bag (Hey! There’s an idea for a costume!).

But the even more terrifying trend at the Halloween store, was the alarming number of children’s costumes with padding sewn in to resemble the musculature of your child’s favorite ninja or superhero.

You’ve seen these things, right? They take a Spider-Man costume sized for a 5 year old and add huge muscles to it, to make the kid look like he’s jacked-up beyond belief on all the steroids the Dominican Republic has to offer. Mark my words: this Halloween will be remembered as the year of the muscular child. I am genuinely terrified of these things. I keep having this nightmare where I’m walking down the street on Halloween night and I’m suddenly jumped by a gang of extremely shredded midgets dressed as the Fantastic Four. Just as I’m about to receive a death blow from the 3 year old Human Torch, he stops. The kids back away to reveal every kicker in the NFL…

…and they’re all waiting their turn to punt me right in the genie lamp.

]]> http://cowboys.gearupforsports.com/blog/2009/10/happy-trending-week-7/feed/ 2 http://cowboys.gearupforsports.com/blog/2009/10/dallas/ http://cowboys.gearupforsports.com/blog/2009/10/dallas/#comments Sat, 24 Oct 2009 02:33:23 +0000 John Mangan http://cowboys.gearupforsports.com/blog/?p=83  

The year:1989
The place: Northeastern PA

My dad is wearing a Dallas Cowboys Starter jacket. The little kid version of me is wearing the same. NEPA being the melting pot of sports allegiances that it is, as we walk down the street we pass Eagles fans, Giants fans, Redskins fans, and Steelers fans. “Cowboys suck!”, most would say. “1-15!” , others would shout.

20 years and 3 Lombardi trophies later, the father and son from coal country are still fans of America’s Team. Although, incredibly, neither of us has ever been to Big D. That all changes starting tomorrow when my pops and I make the pilgrimage to Texas for the weekend to take in the game live at Jerry World come Sunday!

Totally psyched. If you are interested in checking out pics and thoughts on a first timer’s trip to Dallas/Ft.Worth/Arlington, you can follow me on twitter @juanblaze.

On another note, it only took me until week 7 of the NFL season for a blog post. To all my readers, I’m very sorry I’ve been away for all these months and I sincerely apologize…to both of you.

To make up for it, I will be dropping an all new Podcast on GUFS beginning this Wednesday. It’s funny and almost informative. Make sure you check back for that, and a lot of other cool things here for the second half of the season.

Power should be the defining theme of the Dallas Cowboys 2009 season.  Many have stated the Cowboys decision to jettison mercurial receiver Terrell Owens places additional pressure on Tony Romo, who is as much a star for his dating exploits and on field failures as he is for his on field successes.  While losing Owens does take away the most explosive weapon the offense had, the move also moves the burden of production from the passing game to the running game.  In 2008 with a receiving core featuring Owens, former UT star Roy E. Williams, and Jason Witten the Cowboys had very tempting reasons for straying from a potent running game.

The Cowboys backfield features one of the most dynamic if unrefined weapons in the sport, Felix Jones.  The backfield also features a powerhouse back in Marion Barber who can wear on defenses throughout a game.  The question for Barber is if he can wear on defenses without wearing himself out.  I believe he can, especially when you add in the ability the coaching staff should have to keep him fresh with the aforementioned Jones and the final member of the backfield Tashard Choice.  With 3 running backs who have shown at least glimpses of an ability to be solid NFL contributors, the responsibility is on the offensive line to give those backs room to run.

The offensive line struggled last year.  There really isn’t any way to debate that.  However, the Cowboys offensive line was built to run block.  The starting lineman average 6 foot 6 inches tall and 329 lbs.  That is a mammoth offensive line.  Size isn’t a detriment to pass protecting but quick feet and technique in pass protecting are much more important than size and power.  Run blocking is where size and power are the more important attributes and the line should get to make use of those attributes this year.  The Cowboys were essentially a fantasy football team last year.  The Cowboys had what many considered to be a top 5 option at QB, RB, WR and TE  last season and young offensive coordinator Jason Garrett got lost trying to find a way to get all of those weapons into play.  Losing one of those weapons could make it easier to make use of all the other weapons.

In short, the loss of Terrell Owens could be addition by subtraction.  This theory is not anything new.  Many have stated this for various reasons mostly centered around TO’s off the field issues or his attitude.  This is not meant to be a criticism of Owens.  That horse has already been beaten far past death.  I am simply stating that I believe the Cowboys offense should be better without him.  The Cowboys should be able to pound teams into submission without having to take as many risks through the air.  The passing game should also still be solid with Witten and Williams providing solid, if not gamebreaking, weapons for Romo to go to when called upon.  This should be a scary season for opposing front 7s.

Ill have a season preview up with a record prediction and prediction for each of the signifigant skill players numbers up sometime this week.

The reviews are in, and the ‘Gear Up For Cowboys Football Blog’ is a hit! My first post, “What’s The Difference?, Pt. 1”, has become a resounding success, with over 8 diggs as of press time. That’s nearly double digits. Last week, when I began this journey as an obscure sports blogger, I never imagined I’d be so quickly thrust into the web’s limelight.

Of course, I didn’t get to the mountaintop by myself. It’s all thanks to you, my dedicated readers. I’d like to take this opportunity to give back to the GUFCF nation by answering an email from one of my fans. Mail Call!

Johnny-

Denver Quarterback Jay Cutler’s trade demand has dominated the NFL headlines ever since the hype surrounding TO’s move to the CFL died down. Some sports writers and TV talking heads are throwing out Tony Romo’s name as a legitimate straight-up trade possibility. If you could make the deal, would you want Cutler under center for the Cowboys next season?

Love,

Mom

Mom-

Denver Post writer, Mark Kiszla, had this to say in a recent article:

“Want to pursue a blockbuster that would allow marquee quarterbacks to change hot seats? Maybe Bowlen cannot get Cutler to return his calls, but here’s betting Cowboys honcho Jerry Jones, who never met a screaming headline he didn’t like, would pick up the phone. Bowlen and Jones can discuss two fun facts that might surprise you about the rifle-armed Romo: Jessica Simpson loves him more than many frustrated fans in Big D do, and his salary cap number of $3.5 million in 2008 was not outrageous…”

Now, no reasonable person actually thinks this trade has even a remote chance of happening. It’s obvious that Mr. Kiszla and others who have written or commented similarly are merely speculating.  And speculating is fun. So, for the sake of speculation, let’s compare each players’ numbers from last season.

	Cutler	Romo
Games	16	13
Completions	384	276
Attempts	616	450
Completion %	62.3	61.3
Yards	4526	3448
Avg Yards per Attempt	7.3	7.66
TD	25	26
INT	18	14
QB Rating	87.1	91.4

Those numbers are similar. Mad similar. Cutler’s star is certainly on the rise. He achieved career highs in 2008 for completions, attempts, passing yards, and touchdowns during a pro bowl season. Romo takes the edge in TDs and QB rating. On paper they are close. But Tony Romo has the intangibles. The ability to “extend a play.” Right?

What you might be surprised to learn, is that despite Romo’s gunslinger moxy, and fancy footwork outside the pocket, he still took 20 sacks last season. Cutler only took 11.  Gunslingers are hard to protect.

I guess Romo for Cutler could be a fair trade. When you examine all these numbers, neither player truly distinguishes themselves. At the end of the day, however, all those stats listed above don’t mean a thing. The only numbers that matter are 8-8, and 9-7; Denver’s and Dallas’ 2008 records respectively…neither good enough for the playoffs. Perhaps the most telling numbers for either player come from the regular season’s final game. For each guy’s team, it was a “win and you’re in” scenario. And these numbers don’t lie:

Denver 21, San Diego 52

Dallas 6, Philadelphia 44

I’d prefer Romo over Cutler, but only because I’m biased. I don’t know what it is, but there’s a little masochist inside me that cheers for Romo. Let’s hope Tony can handle the hot seat in ‘09.

“What’s the difference between me and you?/ About five bank accounts, three ounces, and two vehicles./ Until my death, I’m Bangladesh./ I suggest you hold yo breath, ’til ain’t none left./ Yo that’s the difference.”

These are lyrics from the song “What’s the Difference?”, angrily spit by West Coast rapper/Ride Pimper Xibit, from Dr. Dre’s aptly named 1999 album, 2001.What has it got to do with the Dallas Cowboys? Absolutely nothing! Good song though.

Anyway, what is the difference between the 2008 Dallas Cowboys team and this upcoming season’s edition? This is the first of a series of articles attempting to quantify what’s changed, for better or worse, with last year’s pre-season Super Bowl favorites. Let’s start with the elephant in the room.

Terrell Owens’ Difference

‘08 Cowboys:

Not sure if you heard, but last season Dallas had this guy on the squad; a really talented fella better known by his initials. He currently sits at number 2 on the all-time list for TD’s by a wide-receiver, and led the Cowboys in Touchdowns for the past 3 seasons running. Also, if you’re keeping score at home, he currently leads the NFL all-time in Divisive Comments Made, Selfishness, and Post-Game Interview Tears Shed. Quite a resumé by any standard.

(Quick Aside: I think TO’s nickname should be “Number 2.” Like I said, he’s second all-time on the WR TD list (132), well behind number one Jerry Rice (197). The only active player with a legit chance at surpassing Owens in the short term is Randy Moss (125). I think TO has a good shot at retaining that number 2 mantle for a while. Plus, every team he joins turns to dookie. Get it? It works on multiple levels.)

‘09 Cowboys:

The definition of “addition by subtraction”! I mean, yes, Dallas loses six feet three inches, two-hundred twenty pounds of twisted steel, a touchdown machine, and their best offensive threat. And, yes, Dallas must now rely more heavily on the unproven Roy Williams and a no-name receiving corp. And, yes, TO drew a lot of coverage..and, yes…wait a minute, let me put this another way:

TO was fond of saying “Getcha popcorn ready!”, arrogantly likening his in-game play-making theatrics to the flash and explosiveness of a summer blockbuster that movie-goers take in while chomping down on buttery, salted kernels. Believe it or not, TO’s self-promoting battle cry actually has a lot in common with my feelings on movie popcorn.

Every time I catch a flick that I’m really excited about (Bride Wars for example), I always order a massive bag of popcorn. It looks so good! I mindlessly down handful after handful as the previews go by. Before I know it, I’ve eaten half the bag. By the second act, I’m feeling nauseous. By the time the credits role, I’m cursing myself for ordering that damn popcorn. I couldn’t help myself. I do it every time even though I know I should just stay away.

See the parallels with TO’s career? Signing TO always seems like a great idea. It looks so good! But, you better watch, because, before you know it, without realizing it, you’ll have made your whole organization sick. Now, my own issues with theater concessions aside, what’s clear is that, sometimes, you’re better off letting go of things that previously seemed integral; popcorn to a movie, or “Number 2” to the Cowboy’s offense. Dallas will be better off this season. Yo, that’s the difference.

I guess he really will be having popcorn on the sideline...at least until someone else picks him up

Word on the street is Mr. T.O. is out of Big D. Translating this from Cowboy-speak into English: there is speculation that Terrell Owens has been formally released from the Dalla Cowboys organization. How do I feel about this? Well, I’m sure across the Cowboy Nation there are a lot of tears, a lot of jeers, and just as many “I don’t care”’s. Either way, this news is huge and is a big indicator of the direction that Mr. Jones is headed with his team.

Love him or hate him, Owens was a big part of the offense. Do your research: Owens literally produced almost half of the Cowboys reception production this past year – half! The Cowboys reception core isn’t a complete slouch, especially when you have a guy like Roy Williams waiting in the wings. However, the first question to come to mind is how to replace that kind of production. The reception core in Dallas has talent, but will now have to compensate for a guy, who as disruptive as he could be at times, was, and still is, a playmaker who could change a game with a reception or two. It’s almost a no-brainer when it comes to how different the locker room will be expected to be (then again, it is Dallas, which almost never changes). It will be even more interesting to see the changes that will be made under the watch of much-aligned offensive coordinator Jason Garrett.

The final straw is T.O. is another victim of the mass-cleaning process that the Cowboys have executed this offseason. As I’ve said before, the Cowboys are no strangers to controversy, and in fact welcome it with the interesting brand of athletes they have welcomed over the years (most recently, Pacman Jones). Mix that in with the frustrations of not winning a playoff game not even once during his tenure, the untouchability that Jerry Jones placed on this franchise-caliber player began to fade away as fast as he fell asleep on that football during one of his famous touchdown celebrations. I have to argue that his value as a contributing player, despite his locker-room and off-the-field actions, is still high and of great value to whoever steps up (Minnesota, perhaps).

As I write this, I am still rather surprised that T.O.’s been released by America’s Team so suddenly. It is still setting in, but ultimately (as much as I don’t want to admit this) it may be a great idea to end this marriage now and look to the future for both entities. The Cowboys are looking to regain their place in not only the NFL, but in sports elite, and Owens is looking to have his own star that will not be overshadowed by that of the Dallas logo, whatever team will welcome him in. Perhaps his own star power is what set this whole thing off. It’s been mentioned that he has his own reality show in the works. If so, it’ll be interesting to see this said reality show this season (on one of the reality show stations, maybe VH-1 or MTV) and if they’ll include this amazing and unexpected chain of events.

It’s been quite a ride, Mr. Owens and I wish you luck. Thanks for the touchdown celebrations and ranking high in the Cowboy controversy hall-of-fame (quite a feat). It is arguable that numbers-wise he is Canton, Ohio  shrine material, but we will see how that all plays out. This situation is definitely a show that I’m tuned into and will be front and center waiting to see what’s next for the Cowboys this offseason, because it’s been one shocker after another so far. Will there be any more casualties left in Jerry Jones’ offseason mission of “destroy-and-rebuild”?

Final walk out of Cowboy glory

So it’s official – Adam “PacMan” Jones has been released from the Cowboys! To say that I’m happy is an understatement. This was an issue a long-time coming and now it has finally drawn to a close. The Cowboys have a lot of work to do this offseason, but this, without a doubt, was the most important thing to take off of the plate. Now we can get back to focusing on getting back to our rightful place on top of the NFL heap.

The irony of this whole situation with Pacman is clearly the fact that the Cowboys organization is known for taking on more of the NFL’s “challenging” players. It is a gamble that owner Jerry Jones has taken and has won more times than he has lost. Recently a player such as Terrell Owens owes a great deal of gratitiude to the Cowboys team for picking him up when other squads were backing off of him like some contagious disease. In the gamble with Pacman, however, we not only lost, but he forced us all to fold so early in the game.

Talk about a fool-proof plan! I mean, the Cowboys made it SO easy for this guy to come in, contribute, AND (most importantly) stay out of trouble. Pacman was given a fresh start, but couldn’t leave his old ways alone, despite having been provided security (a babysitter, if you ask me) and strict conditions stating that this was at best an experimental signing that could be called off at the first signal of possible failure. Granted, we’re talking about Dallas, Texas – a city with a legacy of controversial issues tied in with Cowboys from almost every era. My era was highlighted in the 90s with Michael Irvin and his need to get the non-beverage version of Coke (hint, hint). Nonetheless, the guy still performed and didn’t force an organization, a city, and its fans to lose hope and wish that we partook in this marriage in the first place.

So Pacman, there’s no love lost (or at least none that I’ll admit here). You are a talented guy with a lot of potential, but your potential will mean nothing unless you change – let me rephrase that – mature. Good luck in finding a new home, because unless you have lived under a rock for the past 20 years, you will be hard pressed to find a class organization in the NFL that will be willing to take a chance on a player that’s been given chance after chance already to redeem themselves and shake the dirt off of their fallen star power. Perhaps you will have to get back in the graces of Total Nonstop Action wrestling and do some more appearances with them in the meantime. As for the ‘boys, let’s get back to work and finding a way to get back to the glory that we’ve been passive and procrastinating on for at least 2 years now.